I sorta wanna blame facebook.

Jul. 20th, 2017 11:30 am
fflo: (Default)
[personal profile] fflo
I don't get on facebook much any more, but I was on there yesterday, and here in the mammogram harem waiting lounge I ran out of phone game interest, and I looked again.  And there were a coupla nice things to see, but ugh to others.  The worst was the obit for a man made out to be a hero who was ongoingly raping his daughter for years, and had his hooks in her ever after, in multiple debilitating ways I don't know the half of.  So much of her difficulty in life seems tied to that soul-terrorizing monster-gaslight crap that he did.  And she has had tremendous difficulty.  It makes me nauseous, reading about---thinking of---his lauding, now that he's dead, like his lauding while he was alive.  She isn't the only victim of his I know about, either, and there were probably still others, gotta figure.  A charming and vile man who enjoyed himself and life and his self-importance and what he could take from others, regardless of the consequences for them, to the hilt.  Makes ya wish there were a hell for him.  Makes ya wish there had been a hell for him here.  His daughter is still in the hell he sent her to, built for her, consigned her to.

As I typed that last bit, the tech came to tell me I'm good to go, no need for biopsy, come back in a year (not even 6 months).  This is good.  I am grateful for this.

And that man was bad.  It's not facebook's fault.  But seeing him praised there came to me through that app/messenger, and isn't helping my sense of the bullshit and hostility and brutality and callous selfishness of humanity.

My new brown roof is on, and the gutters were about to be installed when I left for this appt.  My pets and I are basically well.  I got a good night's sleep.  My job is super-cool about me taking time off.  There may be a thunderstorm this afternoon.  Maybe I'll get a good night's sleep tonight, too.

This is me talking me down.


a doozy of a dream, and roof day

Jul. 19th, 2017 12:50 pm
fflo: (Lu face)
[personal profile] fflo
Why it was my folks, I dunno, but in my dream they were in a room with a beloved one who was lying on the bed and saying just terrible stuff, about them, about I don't even remember what.  Thing after thing.  Bullshit things.  And then later, I was saying something to her, still there, about how shitty that was.  Felt like the way I knew it wouldn't necessarily come across, but was clearly going to sort of do-her-the-courtesy-of explaining, or trying to, what was not okay about that, had something to say to me.  Woke up during that heavy sigh moment, or soon after. 

I had been so deeply asleep.

This morning the dog and I went around in the world a while, but I finally dropped her off at doggy daycare for a stretch, while I came in to the office.  It's hard not to want to watch the stream of her from the webcam there on my phone all day.  But I've been managing to do some relatively tedious author summary stuff.  And look in on her every once in a while.
fflo: (tongue)
[personal profile] fflo
That's probably true whatever kind of boobs are in the second half, given how much worse roofies already are than roof + boobies.

Seems my new roof may suddenly be going on tomorrow.  And the day after that I have a 2-hour re-screening and ultrasound appt for my right breast, which has a nodule that merits further investigation.

These two things are enough for this week, I think, and here declare.

I have a dinner invitation for tomorrow that I still hope to make it to, and plan to sing at Art Fair on Saturday, but let others take the personning of the info booth.

Just had that whole it's-not-cancer thing about my skin, and still healing there.  Oy.

Right now I'm gonna get some ice and then I'm gonna have fuzzy water with my afternoon galleys.  One thing at a time.  E.g., attend to the gutters and any tumors later.

Bouncy bouncy

Jul. 15th, 2017 02:27 pm
jojomojo: (Default)
[personal profile] jojomojo
House! Exciting! Yay! 3 stories high! Fang slowly adjusting to all the stairs.

Somewhat to our surprise it came with no white goods whatsoever - it's got a boiler and an oven and that's it. So this morning I took delivery of a fridge/freezer like a proper adult or something, and there's a washing machine coming tomorrow, and a pantry sometime during the week because the kitchen cupboard space is a bit limited and, well, I like to cook. Pondering what first meal to cook in the new place tonight; chances are it'll be some variety of Mexican because that's kind of our thing.

New job's fine so far, more chill and relaxed than the old one (no more twice-daily standups, just filling out a wiki entry at the end of the week with what I've been up to). Looking forward to the rest of summer in a shiny new place which is, y'know, the same place my wife lives at last. Barbecues are called for.

Stuff I like:

Jul. 14th, 2017 10:56 am
wednes: (Hail Ants!)
[personal profile] wednes
Taking a break from my usual complainy-pants ways to post about things that are going on in the world that I actually like. Here goes:

Patton Oswalt is engaged. This makes me very happy.

HBO leads the Emmy nominations, and Netflix is next.
This bodes well for people who enjoy quality television, if any.

Free drones. H and I (well, they're mine, but H is better at flying them) have gotten a total of four free drones for review. The most recent one is hella tiny. Like, hilariously so.
View post on imgur.com


Jim Jeffries show is pretty good. He looks good in a suit too. If I was merely moderately good looking and had a TV show, I'm not sure I'd bring in Brad Pitt. Or are they having an affair now too?

Still looking at dogs. Want to find a low-energy guard dog that isn't drooly and won't have a bunch of expensive health problems. Sorry, Bull Mastiff.

I think my sister-in-law might be my favorite person in the world. I totally hope she comes to live with us.

Still writing over to the Radish. This serial story seems to be going well, though this is not at all what I'm used to. Few things make me feel more like a horror writer than actually writing horror. I guess that's how it's supposed to be, right?

TV I'm going to try to get caught up on soon:
Glow
Fargo
Fear the Walking Dead

I Know You Love Me Today.

Jul. 10th, 2017 09:25 am
theferrett: (Meazel)
[personal profile] theferrett

Dear Lover:

Sometimes, you’ll see me flinch when you say “I love you.” It’s not a bad thing. I’m startled.

I forget you love me a lot.

And the sad thing is, it’s nothing you did. I’m a depressive. That’s my disease. No matter how much adoration has flowed between us, no matter what grand gestures you make to prove your affection to me, I forget. I’m like an emotional amnesiac, my good feelings forever being erased to leave me with shadows of doubt and terror. Sometimes I read old texts of yours to try to remember what it felt like being loved, and all I come away with is cruel reinterpretations of how those kind words didn’t really mean what I thought they did.

I don’t want this. I merely survive with it.

And I know my inability to remember consistently costs me. My past is strewn with exes who exhausted themselves through increasingly grander gestures, convinced that if they kissed me the right way then all this depression would vanish like dew in the summer sun. And when it didn’t, they decided I was being stubborn, and left.

You haven’t. Not yet.

Don’t think I’m not grateful. Don’t think my endless, shivering fear that today you’ve stopped loving me means that I don’t love you – why would I be afraid of you going unless you meant something to me?

And don’t think I’m not trying. Like I said, I reread your old texts, I recall your warm embraces, I recount all the lovely things you’ve done for me, all in an imperfect attempt to transform cold memories into some flickering ember of love to warm myself by. I will flinch sometimes, and be shocked, and yes, sometimes be the pain in the ass who asks “You love me, right?” at the worst times – but I am trying, oh so trying, to retain what emotional memories I can.

Then there are the days when you ask the right question at the right time. A simple text: “Do you know I love you today?”

That “today” makes all the difference.

That “today” lets me know that I might forget tomorrow, and you’ll be here to remind me.

That “today” tells me you understand my illness in all the ways I need you to.

And yes. Yes, I know today. I know today, and it is wonderful because for a brief moment I can feel that love flowing between us like a river, and maybe I’ll forget the warmth of water tomorrow but for right now I know it yes I know it.

I love you.

That’s something I never forget.

Cross-posted from Ferrett's Real Blog.

Long time no post again

Jul. 8th, 2017 11:12 am
jojomojo: (Default)
[personal profile] jojomojo
I've just moved to Loughborough, as of Friday. Well, sort of; we've applied to rent a place but the wife's university is proving incredibly useless at providing a 'landlord's reference' (because they aren't a landlord, she isn't a tenant per se, she gets to live here rent-free as part of her job as a subwarden, so finding out who's supposed to do it is ugh). Supposed to be signing the lease Wednesday but looks like that's going to get pushed back. Meanwhile the cat and I are illegal immigrants in her subwarden flat on campus.

Started a new job at ARM Loughborough as of Monday, formerly Apical, doing stuff with machine vision and image recognition and FPGAs - lots of low-level C, Linux kernel etc stuff. I'd forgotten how much I missed doing embedded work - it's more fun to have a desk strewn with FPGA boards, logic analysers etc, and it's also more fun when the eventual end product is a physical thing people can actually go out and buy in a shop. Co-workers all seem very nice, and it's a very international company. Boatloads of Russians for some reason.

Other than that, trying to plan final move into and furnishing of new house which, again, is all being delayed by the bloody reference. Hopefully bae can shout at them tomorrow and sort that out.

Oh, also - went out for a pint with co-workers yesterday and got change from a fiver! 2 quid even! After the £5.10 I paid for a pint in Oxford a couple of weeks ago I find this...refreshing.

Profile

wordsmythe: (Default)
wordsmythe

May 2016

S M T W T F S
1 234567
8910111213 14
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031    

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 21st, 2017 08:32 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios